Conservatives – For the Broken Society

I’m told that a major theme of DC’s keynote speech will be ‘The Broken Society’ and apparently this is what we have in store…

In the run up to DC’s big speech a huge backdrop screen will be lowered to project sepia-tinted images from the 1950s: young scamps playing conkers on street corners; smiling families sitting together around a wireless; pregnant young women disowned by their parents and put in homes; homosexual men being handcuffed by cheery bobbies (not too sure about all of these).

These images will alternate with contemporary shots of Britain in the 21st century: “fire-arm enabled” boys on council estates; cigar-chewing corporate suits from the record industry peddling rap that undermines the “ethical sensibilities” of young people; W H Smith cashiers pushing free chocolate bars on the weight challenged, etc …

The images will be accompanied by a reworking of a Coldplay song ‘Fix You’, especially arranged by Andrew Lloyd-Webber for the WinterGardens’ Wurlitzer organ. It will be sung by a choir of local schoolchildren from Lytham St Anne’s City Academy school (with the addition of three BME children procured and bussed in from a Manchester stage school at great expense).

After DC has made his speech, falling from the Ballroom ceiling, in a ticker-tape style, will spiral thousands of sticking plasters. The plasters, specially commissioned by the marketing geniuses at Millbank HQ will each bear the Conservative oak tree logo and the words ‘…for the Broken Society…’.

Policy Commission News - The HOMEY Project

Readers of my Facebook page (friend requests welcome) may recall that I recently wrote ofmy fact finding mission to North London where I had a an illuminating meeting with the leaders of a social entrepreneurism project - the Haringey Organisation for Mentoring Ethnic Youth, or HOMEY for short. The young people on the scheme are fitted with a wrist-strap, attached to which is a black plastic box no bigger than the size of a small brick. Using the latest 'thought-activated technology', should they think about doing something that breaches the terms of their ASBO, a randomly generated inspirational message from Garth Crooks, Mel B, Prince Nazeem or Andi Peters is played back to them.

You can imagine how successful this has been.

Well, news reaches me that the assorted community do-gooders, party lickspittles and super-annuated local councillors that have been sitting on the ‘Communities, Peoples and Diversity’ Policy Commission, also went to to see the HOMEY project in action. They were so “excited by its potential” that they have used it as a best practice case study in their report to DC, and are recommending its national roll-out.

I think I need to have a word with DC in Blackpool asap, if I can just penetrate the old Etonian circle of steel to get within five feet of him…


Policy Commission News - Swans

In other developments, I am told by sources close to the pipsqueak G., that another “imaginative idea” to emerge from the policy commission process is to be dropped.

The recommendation that the Party considers rewarding swans, via the social security system, for the example they set society by mating for life with a single swan of the opposite sex, will be quietly binned as unworkable. The £20 a month extra for married humans stays.